to the woman i love

3/28/07




to sandra lee from the food network-

you're beautiful. a beautiful,wasteful, strung out homemaker with pendulous tits and a frequent shopper card for the $1.99 bin at Michael's craft stores. maybe the
outlets. they'd make an outlet just for you.

your deliciously atrocious taste in... just about everything. your
'table scapes' are equally terrific for western
maryland potlucks and, apparently, network television. how did you fool those execs? you minx. when you sip your miscellaneously punny named cocktails and the moment when your pupils dilate in pleasure.... oh my. sandra. i adore you.

i love you when you scrape the filling out of a perfectly edible
pumpkin pie and pipe it into a pastry bag and then make orange,
turdlike desserts. except now, they've been activated a little so the
seasonal maple leaf shape doesn't quite hold. oh well!

i love the look on your face, a barely masked grimace of anguish at
your childlessness when you talk about your nieces- it's just a
flash, my darling, but it's there.

i love how you drip vanlla extract into cool whip to make things
taste homemade. you'd never lie to me.

that giant faced strumpet, giada? come on. that bougie debutante ina
garten? go back to cape cod, you whore. alton brown? fuck 'im and his
stupid "alchemy"- who needs to know how much saffron can
theoretically fill up a baseball field? i dont.

and i know you don't either, my bosco drizzlin' beauty. you coudl
buy a dozen big macs, pull out the lettuce and call it a salad after
throwing out the burgers and i'd still call you mommy.
love,
nadine