Grief

3/26/07

my superintendent died this past weekend. it doesn't really mean anything , that particular relationship.

i remember he was kind of a jerk to me. they changed the locks on the building's front door one time and my key no longer worked, and when i told him, he shrugged and said 'Nothing I can do'. i blankly replied, 'But I can't get into the bulding'. 'Sorry'. 'Oh... but seriously, how am i going to get into the building?'. This conversation also took place in the room in the basement where him and the other (building staff? buddies? family?) play dominoes in a haze of not unpleasant cigar smoke and raise roosters (cock fighting? dinner? hobby?) . They all stared at me and I felt very alone. i walked out. One of my upstairs neighbors lent me a working key I'm still using, because my key still doesnt work.

He was very old. there's a makeshift memorial set up in the lobby- a color copy photo of him sitting in an easy chair with 'Susano' scripted beneath it. Some flowers and a black ribbon hanging. it's cheap but clearly took a lot of care. knowing i go through color copies like it's nothing at work, knowing they are absurdly expensive. I walked by the memorial yesterday to leave, and didn't really stop becuase there were other people hanging out in the lobby. I felt uncomfortable for some reason- stopping to spend time with this man who i don't know in front of people i kinda have met. Who probably knew him better because theyve all lived there a million years. i got back last night and stopped in front, because it was very late and nobody was there and i stood and read and looked and thought about this guy i dont know but felt really sad.

we're all so remote. somebody misses him a lot.